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1Pig and Pepper For a minute or two she stood looking at the house, and wondering what to do next, when suddenly a
2footman in livery came running out of the wood--(she considered him to be a footman because he was in livery: otherwise,
3judging by his face only, she would have called him a fish)--and rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles. It was
4opened by another footman in livery, with a round face, and large eyes like a frog; and both footmen, Alice noticed, had
5powdered hair that curled all over their heads. She felt very curious to know what it was all about, and crept a little
6way out of the wood to listen. The Fish-Footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter, nearly as large as
7himself, and this he handed over to the other, saying, in a solemn tone, "For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen
8to play croquet." The Frog-Footman repeated, in the same solemn tone, only changing the order of the words a little,
9"From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet." Then they both bowed low, and their curls got entangled
10together. Alice laughed so much at this, that she had to run back into the wood for fear of their hearing her; and when
11she next peeped out the Fish-Footman was gone, and the other was sitting on the ground near the door, staring stupidly
12up into the sky. Alice went timidly up to the door, and knocked. "There's no sort of use in knocking," said the Footman,
13"and that for two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they're making
14such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you." And certainly there was a most extraordinary noise going on
15within--a constant howling and sneezing, and every now and then a great crash, as if a dish or kettle had been broken to
16pieces. "Please, then," said Alice, "how am I to get in?" "There might be some sense in your knocking," the Footman went
17on without attending to her, "if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I
18could let you out, you know." He was looking up into the sky all the time he was speaking, and this Alice thought
19decidedly uncivil. "But perhaps he can't help it," she said to herself; "his eyes are so very nearly at the top of his
20head. But at any rate he might answer questions.--How am I to get in?" she repeated, aloud. "I shall sit here," the
21Footman remarked, "till tomorrow--" At this moment the door of the house opened, and a large plate came skimming out,
22straight at the Footman's head: it just grazed his nose, and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him. "--or
23next day, maybe," the Footman continued in the same tone, exactly as if nothing had happened. "How am I to get in?"
24asked Alice again, in a louder tone. "Are you to get in at all?" said the Footman. "That's the first question, you
25know." It was, no doubt: only Alice did not like to be told so. "It's really dreadful," she muttered to herself, "the
26way all the creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy!" The Footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for
27repeating his remark, with variations. "I shall sit here," he said, "on and off, for days and days." "But what am I to
28do?" said Alice. "Anything you like," said the Footman, and began whistling. "Oh, there's no use in talking to him,"
29said Alice desperately: "he's perfectly idiotic!" And she opened the door and went in. The door led right into a large
30kitchen, which was full of smoke from one end to the other: the Duchess was sitting on a three-legged stool in the
31middle, nursing a baby; the cook was leaning over the fire, stirring a large cauldron which seemed to be full of soup.
32"There's certainly too much pepper in that soup!" Alice said to herself, as well as she could for sneezing. There was
33certainly too much of it in the air. Even the Duchess sneezed occasionally; and as for the baby, it was sneezing and
34howling alternately without a moment's pause. The only things in the kitchen that did not sneeze, were the cook, and a
35large cat which was sitting on the hearth and grinning from ear to ear. "Please would you tell me," said Alice, a little
36timidly, for she was not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak first, "why your cat grins like that?"
37"It's a Cheshire cat," said the Duchess, "and that's why. Pig!" She said the last word with such sudden violence that
38Alice quite jumped; but she saw in another moment that it was addressed to the baby, and not to her, so she took
39courage, and went on again:-- "I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn't know that cats could
40grin." "They all can," said the Duchess; "and most of 'em do." "I don't know of any that do," Alice said very politely,
41feeling quite pleased to have got into a conversation. "You don't know much," said the Duchess; "and that's a fact."
42Alice did not at all like the tone of this remark, and thought it would be as well to introduce some other subject of
43conversation. While she was trying to fix on one, the cook took the cauldron of soup off the fire, and at once set to
44work throwing everything within her reach at the Duchess and the baby--the fire-irons came first; then followed a shower
45of saucepans, plates, and dishes. The Duchess took no notice of them even when they hit her; and the baby was howling so
46much already, that it was quite impossible to say whether the blows hurt it or not. "Oh, please mind what you're doing!"
47cried Alice, jumping up and down in an agony of terror. "Oh, there goes his precious nose!" as an unusually large
48saucepan flew close by it, and very nearly carried it off. "If everybody minded their own business," the Duchess said in
49a hoarse growl, "the world would go round a deal faster than it does." "Which would not be an advantage," said Alice,
50who felt very glad to get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge. "Just think of what work it would
51make with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis--" "Talking of axes,"
52said the Duchess, "chop off her head!" Alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook, to see if she meant to take the hint;
53but the cook was busily stirring the soup, and seemed not to be listening, so she went on again: "Twenty-four hours, I
54think; or is it twelve? I--" "Oh, don't bother me," said the Duchess; "I never could abide figures!" And with that she
55began nursing her child again, singing a sort of lullaby to it as she did so, and giving it a violent shake at the end
56of every line: "Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes: He only does it to annoy, Because he
57knows it teases." CHORUS. (In which the cook and the baby joined): "Wow! wow! wow!" While the Duchess sang the second
58verse of the song, she kept tossing the baby violently up and down, and the poor little thing howled so, that Alice
59could hardly hear the words:-- "I speak severely to my boy, I beat him when he sneezes; For he can thoroughly enjoy The
60pepper when he pleases!" CHORUS. "Wow! wow! wow!" "Here! you may nurse it a bit, if you like!" the Duchess said to
61Alice, flinging the baby at her as she spoke. "I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen," and she hurried
62out of the room. The cook threw a frying-pan after her as she went out, but it just missed her. Alice caught the baby
63with some difficulty, as it was a queer-shaped little creature, and held out its arms and legs in all directions, "just
64like a star-fish," thought Alice. The poor little thing was snorting like a steam-engine when she caught it, and kept
65doubling itself up and straightening itself out again, so that altogether, for the first minute or two, it was as much
66as she could do to hold it.
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