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1Among this good company I should have felt myself, even if I hadn't robbed the pantry, in a false position. Not because
2I was squeezed in at an acute angle of the tablecloth, with the table in my chest, and the Pumblechookian elbow in my
3eye, nor because I was not allowed to speak (I didn't want to speak), nor because I was regaled with the scaly tips of
4the drumsticks of the fowls, and with those obscure corners of pork of which the pig, when living, had had the least
5reason to be vain. No; I should not have minded that, if they would only have left me alone. But they wouldn't leave me
6alone. They seemed to think the opportunity lost, if they failed to point the conversation at me, every now and then,
7and stick the point into me. I might have been an unfortunate little bull in a Spanish arena, I got so smartingly
8touched up by these moral goads. It began the moment we sat down to dinner. Mr. Wopsle said grace with theatrical
9declamation,--as it now appears to me, something like a religious cross of the Ghost in Hamlet with Richard the
10Third,--and ended with the very proper aspiration that we might be truly grateful. Upon which my sister fixed me with
11her eye, and said, in a low reproachful voice, "Do you hear that? Be grateful." "Especially," said Mr. Pumblechook, "be
12grateful, boy, to them which brought you up by hand." Mrs. Hubble shook her head, and contemplating me with a mournful
13presentiment that I should come to no good, asked, "Why is it that the young are never grateful?" This moral mystery
14seemed too much for the company until Mr. Hubble tersely solved it by saying, "Naterally wicious." Everybody then
15murmured "True!" and looked at me in a particularly unpleasant and personal manner. Joe's station and influence were
16something feebler (if possible) when there was company than when there was none. But he always aided and comforted me
17when he could, in some way of his own, and he always did so at dinner-time by giving me gravy, if there were any. There
18being plenty of gravy to-day, Joe spooned into my plate, at this point, about half a pint. A little later on in the
19dinner, Mr. Wopsle reviewed the sermon with some severity, and intimated--in the usual hypothetical case of the Church
20being "thrown open"--what kind of sermon he would have given them. After favouring them with some heads of that
21discourse, he remarked that he considered the subject of the day's homily, ill chosen; which was the less excusable, he
22added, when there were so many subjects "going about." "True again," said Uncle Pumblechook. "You've hit it, sir! Plenty
23of subjects going about, for them that know how to put salt upon their tails. That's what's wanted. A man needn't go far
24to find a subject, if he's ready with his salt-box." Mr. Pumblechook added, after a short interval of reflection, "Look
25at Pork alone. There's a subject! If you want a subject, look at Pork!" "True, sir. Many a moral for the young,"
26returned Mr. Wopsle,--and I knew he was going to lug me in, before he said it; "might be deduced from that text." ("You
27listen to this," said my sister to me, in a severe parenthesis.) Joe gave me some more gravy. "Swine," pursued Mr.
28Wopsle, in his deepest voice, and pointing his fork at my blushes, as if he were mentioning my Christian name,--"swine
29were the companions of the prodigal. The gluttony of Swine is put before us, as an example to the young." (I thought
30this pretty well in him who had been praising up the pork for being so plump and juicy.) "What is detestable in a pig is
31more detestable in a boy." "Or girl," suggested Mr. Hubble. "Of course, or girl, Mr. Hubble," assented Mr. Wopsle,
32rather irritably, "but there is no girl present." "Besides," said Mr. Pumblechook, turning sharp on me, "think what
33you've got to be grateful for. If you'd been born a Squeaker--" "He was, if ever a child was," said my sister, most
34emphatically. Joe gave me some more gravy. "Well, but I mean a four-footed Squeaker," said Mr. Pumblechook. "If you had
35been born such, would you have been here now? Not you--" "Unless in that form," said Mr. Wopsle, nodding towards the
36dish. "But I don't mean in that form, sir," returned Mr. Pumblechook, who had an objection to being interrupted; "I
37mean, enjoying himself with his elders and betters, and improving himself with their conversation, and rolling in the
38lap of luxury. Would he have been doing that? No, he wouldn't. And what would have been your destination?" turning on me
39again. "You would have been disposed of for so many shillings according to the market price of the article, and
40Dunstable the butcher would have come up to you as you lay in your straw, and he would have whipped you under his left
41arm, and with his right he would have tucked up his frock to get a penknife from out of his waistcoat-pocket, and he
42would have shed your blood and had your life. No bringing up by hand then. Not a bit of it!" Joe offered me more gravy,
43which I was afraid to take. "He was a world of trouble to you, ma'am," said Mrs. Hubble, commiserating my sister.
44"Trouble?" echoed my sister; "trouble?" and then entered on a fearful catalogue of all the illnesses I had been guilty
45of, and all the acts of sleeplessness I had committed, and all the high places I had tumbled from, and all the low
46places I had tumbled into, and all the injuries I had done myself, and all the times she had wished me in my grave, and
47I had contumaciously refused to go there. I think the Romans must have aggravated one another very much, with their
48noses. Perhaps, they became the restless people they were, in consequence. Anyhow, Mr. Wopsle's Roman nose so aggravated
49me, during the recital of my misdemeanours, that I should have liked to pull it until he howled. But, all I had endured
50up to this time was nothing in comparison with the awful feelings that took possession of me when the pause was broken
51which ensued upon my sister's recital, and in which pause everybody had looked at me (as I felt painfully conscious)
52with indignation and abhorrence. "Yet," said Mr. Pumblechook, leading the company gently back to the theme from which
53they had strayed, "Pork--regarded as biled--is rich, too; ain't it?" "Have a little brandy, uncle," said my sister. O
54Heavens, it had come at last! He would find it was weak, he would say it was weak, and I was lost! I held tight to the
55leg of the table under the cloth, with both hands, and awaited my fate. My sister went for the stone bottle, came back
56with the stone bottle, and poured his brandy out: no one else taking any. The wretched man trifled with his glass,--took
57it up, looked at it through the light, put it down,--prolonged my misery. All this time Mrs. Joe and Joe were briskly
58clearing the table for the pie and pudding. I couldn't keep my eyes off him. Always holding tight by the leg of the
59table with my hands and feet, I saw the miserable creature finger his glass playfully, take it up, smile, throw his head
60back, and drink the brandy off. Instantly afterwards, the company were seized with unspeakable consternation, owing to
61his springing to his feet, turning round several times in an appalling spasmodic whooping-cough dance, and rushing out
62at the door; he then became visible through the window, violently plunging and expectorating, making the most hideous
63faces, and apparently out of his mind. I held on tight, while Mrs. Joe and Joe ran to him. I didn't know how I had done
64it, but I had no doubt I had murdered him somehow. In my dreadful situation, it was a relief when he was brought back,
65and surveying the company all round as if they had disagreed with him, sank down into his chair with the one significant
66gasp, "Tar!" I had filled up the bottle from the tar-water jug. I knew he would be worse by and by. I moved the table,
67like a Medium of the present day, by the vigor of my unseen hold upon it. "Tar!" cried my sister, in amazement. "Why,
68how ever could Tar come there?"
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