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1"I didn't quite dream; but it all seemed to be real. I only wanted to be here in this spot--I don't know why, for I was
2afraid of something--I don't know what. I remember, though I suppose I was asleep, passing through the streets and over
3the bridge. A fish leaped as I went by, and I leaned over to look at it, and I heard a lot of dogs howling--the whole
4town seemed as if it must be full of dogs all howling at once--as I went up the steps. Then I had a vague memory of
5something long and dark with red eyes, just as we saw in the sunset, and something very sweet and very bitter all around
6me at once; and then I seemed sinking into deep green water, and there was a singing in my ears, as I have heard there
7is to drowning men; and then everything seemed passing away from me; my soul seemed to go out from my body and float
8about the air. I seem to remember that once the West Lighthouse was right under me, and then there was a sort of
9agonising feeling, as if I were in an earthquake, and I came back and found you shaking my body. I saw you do it before
10I felt you." Then she began to laugh. It seemed a little uncanny to me, and I listened to her breathlessly. I did not
11quite like it, and thought it better not to keep her mind on the subject, so we drifted on to other subjects, and Lucy
12was like her old self again. When we got home the fresh breeze had braced her up, and her pale cheeks were really more
13rosy. Her mother rejoiced when she saw her, and we all spent a very happy evening together. 19 August.--Joy, joy, joy!
14although not all joy. At last, news of Jonathan. The dear fellow has been ill; that is why he did not write. I am not
15afraid to think it or say it, now that I know. Mr. Hawkins sent me on the letter, and wrote himself, oh, so kindly. I am
16to leave in the morning and go over to Jonathan, and to help to nurse him if necessary, and to bring him home. Mr.
17Hawkins says it would not be a bad thing if we were to be married out there. I have cried over the good Sister's letter
18till I can feel it wet against my bosom, where it lies. It is of Jonathan, and must be next my heart, for he is in my
19heart. My journey is all mapped out, and my luggage ready. I am only taking one change of dress; Lucy will bring my
20trunk to London and keep it till I send for it, for it may be that ... I must write no more; I must keep it to say to
21Jonathan, my husband. The letter that he has seen and touched must comfort me till we meet. Letter, Sister Agatha,
22Hospital of St. Joseph and Ste. Mary, Buda-Pesth, to Miss Wilhelmina Murray. "12 August. "Dear Madam,-- "I write by
23desire of Mr. Jonathan Harker, who is himself not strong enough to write, though progressing well, thanks to God and St.
24Joseph and Ste. Mary. He has been under our care for nearly six weeks, suffering from a violent brain fever. He wishes
25me to convey his love, and to say that by this post I write for him to Mr. Peter Hawkins, Exeter, to say, with his
26dutiful respects, that he is sorry for his delay, and that all of his work is completed. He will require some few weeks'
27rest in our sanatorium in the hills, but will then return. He wishes me to say that he has not sufficient money with
28him, and that he would like to pay for his staying here, so that others who need shall not be wanting for help. "Believe
29me, "Yours, with sympathy and all blessings, "SISTER AGATHA. "P. S.--My patient being asleep, I open this to let you
30know something more. He has told me all about you, and that you are shortly to be his wife. All blessings to you both!
31He has had some fearful shock--so says our doctor--and in his delirium his ravings have been dreadful; of wolves and
32poison and blood; of ghosts and demons; and I fear to say of what. Be careful with him always that there may be nothing
33to excite him of this kind for a long time to come; the traces of such an illness as his do not lightly die away. We
34should have written long ago, but we knew nothing of his friends, and there was on him nothing that any one could
35understand. He came in the train from Klausenburg, and the guard was told by the station-master there that he rushed
36into the station shouting for a ticket for home. Seeing from his violent demeanour that he was English, they gave him a
37ticket for the furthest station on the way thither that the train reached. "Be assured that he is well cared for. He has
38won all hearts by his sweetness and gentleness. He is truly getting on well, and I have no doubt will in a few weeks be
39all himself. But be careful of him for safety's sake. There are, I pray God and St. Joseph and Ste. Mary, many, many,
40happy years for you both." Dr. Seward's Diary. 19 August.--Strange and sudden change in Renfield last night. About eight
41o'clock he began to get excited and sniff about as a dog does when setting. The attendant was struck by his manner, and
42knowing my interest in him, encouraged him to talk. He is usually respectful to the attendant and at times servile; but
43to-night, the man tells me, he was quite haughty. Would not condescend to talk with him at all. All he would say was:--
44"I don't want to talk to you: you don't count now; the Master is at hand." The attendant thinks it is some sudden form
45of religious mania which has seized him. If so, we must look out for squalls, for a strong man with homicidal and
46religious mania at once might be dangerous. The combination is a dreadful one. At nine o'clock I visited him myself. His
47attitude to me was the same as that to the attendant; in his sublime self-feeling the difference between myself and
48attendant seemed to him as nothing. It looks like religious mania, and he will soon think that he himself is God. These
49infinitesimal distinctions between man and man are too paltry for an Omnipotent Being. How these madmen give themselves
50away! The real God taketh heed lest a sparrow fall; but the God created from human vanity sees no difference between an
51eagle and a sparrow. Oh, if men only knew! For half an hour or more Renfield kept getting excited in greater and greater
52degree. I did not pretend to be watching him, but I kept strict observation all the same. All at once that shifty look
53came into his eyes which we always see when a madman has seized an idea, and with it the shifty movement of the head and
54back which asylum attendants come to know so well. He became quite quiet, and went and sat on the edge of his bed
55resignedly, and looked into space with lack-lustre eyes. I thought I would find out if his apathy were real or only
56assumed, and tried to lead him to talk of his pets, a theme which had never failed to excite his attention. At first he
57made no reply, but at length said testily:-- "Bother them all! I don't care a pin about them." "What?" I said. "You
58don't mean to tell me you don't care about spiders?" (Spiders at present are his hobby and the note-book is filling up
59with columns of small figures.) To this he answered enigmatically:-- "The bride-maidens rejoice the eyes that wait the
60coming of the bride; but when the bride draweth nigh, then the maidens shine not to the eyes that are filled." He would
61not explain himself, but remained obstinately seated on his bed all the time I remained with him. I am weary to-night
62and low in spirits. I cannot but think of Lucy, and how different things might have been. If I don't sleep at once,
63chloral, the modern Morpheus--C{2}HCl{3}O. H{2}O! I must be careful not to let it grow into a habit. No, I shall take
64none to-night! I have thought of Lucy, and I shall not dishonour her by mixing the two. If need be, to-night shall be
65sleepless....
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