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1JONATHAN HARKER'S JOURNAL 3 October.--As I must do something or go mad, I write this diary. It is now six o'clock, and
2we are to meet in the study in half an hour and take something to eat; for Dr. Van Helsing and Dr. Seward are agreed
3that if we do not eat we cannot work our best. Our best will be, God knows, required to-day. I must keep writing at
4every chance, for I dare not stop to think. All, big and little, must go down; perhaps at the end the little things may
5teach us most. The teaching, big or little, could not have landed Mina or me anywhere worse than we are to-day. However,
6we must trust and hope. Poor Mina told me just now, with the tears running down her dear cheeks, that it is in trouble
7and trial that our faith is tested--that we must keep on trusting; and that God will aid us up to the end. The end! oh
8my God! what end?... To work! To work! When Dr. Van Helsing and Dr. Seward had come back from seeing poor Renfield, we
9went gravely into what was to be done. First, Dr. Seward told us that when he and Dr. Van Helsing had gone down to the
10room below they had found Renfield lying on the floor, all in a heap. His face was all bruised and crushed in, and the
11bones of the neck were broken. Dr. Seward asked the attendant who was on duty in the passage if he had heard anything.
12He said that he had been sitting down--he confessed to half dozing--when he heard loud voices in the room, and then
13Renfield had called out loudly several times, "God! God! God!" after that there was a sound of falling, and when he
14entered the room he found him lying on the floor, face down, just as the doctors had seen him. Van Helsing asked if he
15had heard "voices" or "a voice," and he said he could not say; that at first it had seemed to him as if there were two,
16but as there was no one in the room it could have been only one. He could swear to it, if required, that the word "God"
17was spoken by the patient. Dr. Seward said to us, when we were alone, that he did not wish to go into the matter; the
18question of an inquest had to be considered, and it would never do to put forward the truth, as no one would believe it.
19As it was, he thought that on the attendant's evidence he could give a certificate of death by misadventure in falling
20from bed. In case the coroner should demand it, there would be a formal inquest, necessarily to the same result. When
21the question began to be discussed as to what should be our next step, the very first thing we decided was that Mina
22should be in full confidence; that nothing of any sort--no matter how painful--should be kept from her. She herself
23agreed as to its wisdom, and it was pitiful to see her so brave and yet so sorrowful, and in such a depth of despair.
24"There must be no concealment," she said, "Alas! we have had too much already. And besides there is nothing in all the
25world that can give me more pain than I have already endured--than I suffer now! Whatever may happen, it must be of new
26hope or of new courage to me!" Van Helsing was looking at her fixedly as she spoke, and said, suddenly but quietly:--
27"But dear Madam Mina, are you not afraid; not for yourself, but for others from yourself, after what has happened?" Her
28face grew set in its lines, but her eyes shone with the devotion of a martyr as she answered:-- "Ah no! for my mind is
29made up!" "To what?" he asked gently, whilst we were all very still; for each in our own way we had a sort of vague idea
30of what she meant. Her answer came with direct simplicity, as though she were simply stating a fact:-- "Because if I
31find in myself--and I shall watch keenly for it--a sign of harm to any that I love, I shall die!" "You would not kill
32yourself?" he asked, hoarsely. "I would; if there were no friend who loved me, who would save me such a pain, and so
33desperate an effort!" She looked at him meaningly as she spoke. He was sitting down; but now he rose and came close to
34her and put his hand on her head as he said solemnly: "My child, there is such an one if it were for your good. For
35myself I could hold it in my account with God to find such an euthanasia for you, even at this moment if it were best.
36Nay, were it safe! But my child----" For a moment he seemed choked, and a great sob rose in his throat; he gulped it
37down and went on:-- "There are here some who would stand between you and death. You must not die. You must not die by
38any hand; but least of all by your own. Until the other, who has fouled your sweet life, is true dead you must not die;
39for if he is still with the quick Un-Dead, your death would make you even as he is. No, you must live! You must struggle
40and strive to live, though death would seem a boon unspeakable. You must fight Death himself, though he come to you in
41pain or in joy; by the day, or the night; in safety or in peril! On your living soul I charge you that you do not
42die--nay, nor think of death--till this great evil be past." The poor dear grew white as death, and shock and shivered,
43as I have seen a quicksand shake and shiver at the incoming of the tide. We were all silent; we could do nothing. At
44length she grew more calm and turning to him said, sweetly, but oh! so sorrowfully, as she held out her hand:-- "I
45promise you, my dear friend, that if God will let me live, I shall strive to do so; till, if it may be in His good time,
46this horror may have passed away from me." She was so good and brave that we all felt that our hearts were strengthened
47to work and endure for her, and we began to discuss what we were to do. I told her that she was to have all the papers
48in the safe, and all the papers or diaries and phonographs we might hereafter use; and was to keep the record as she had
49done before. She was pleased with the prospect of anything to do--if "pleased" could be used in connection with so grim
50an interest. As usual Van Helsing had thought ahead of everyone else, and was prepared with an exact ordering of our
51work.
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