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1It most busted them, but they made up the six thousand clean and clear. "Say," says the duke, "I got another idea. Le's
2go up stairs and count this money, and then take and give it to the girls." "Good land, duke, lemme hug you! It's the
3most dazzling idea 'at ever a man struck. You have cert'nly got the most astonishin' head I ever see. Oh, this is the
4boss dodge, ther' ain't no mistake 'bout it. Let 'em fetch along their suspicions now if they want to--this'll lay 'em
5out." When we got up-stairs everybody gethered around the table, and the king he counted it and stacked it up, three
6hundred dollars in a pile--twenty elegant little piles. Everybody looked hungry at it, and licked their chops. Then they
7raked it into the bag again, and I see the king begin to swell himself up for another speech. He says: "Friends all, my
8poor brother that lays yonder has done generous by them that's left behind in the vale of sorrers. He has done generous
9by these yer poor little lambs that he loved and sheltered, and that's left fatherless and motherless. Yes, and we that
10knowed him knows that he would a done more generous by 'em if he hadn't ben afeard o' woundin' his dear William and me.
11Now, wouldn't he? Ther' ain't no question 'bout it in my mind. Well, then, what kind o' brothers would it be that 'd
12stand in his way at sech a time? And what kind o' uncles would it be that 'd rob--yes, rob--sech poor sweet lambs as
13these 'at he loved so at sech a time? If I know William--and I think I do--he--well, I'll jest ask him." He turns around
14and begins to make a lot of signs to the duke with his hands, and the duke he looks at him stupid and leather-headed a
15while; then all of a sudden he seems to catch his meaning, and jumps for the king, goo-gooing with all his might for
16joy, and hugs him about fifteen times before he lets up. Then the king says, "I knowed it; I reckon that'll convince
17anybody the way he feels about it. Here, Mary Jane, Susan, Joanner, take the money--take it all. It's the gift of him
18that lays yonder, cold but joyful." Mary Jane she went for him, Susan and the hare-lip went for the duke, and then such
19another hugging and kissing I never see yet. And everybody crowded up with the tears in their eyes, and most shook the
20hands off of them frauds, saying all the time: "You dear good souls!--how lovely!--how could you!" Well, then, pretty
21soon all hands got to talking about the diseased again, and how good he was, and what a loss he was, and all that; and
22before long a big iron-jawed man worked himself in there from outside, and stood a-listening and looking, and not saying
23anything; and nobody saying anything to him either, because the king was talking and they was all busy listening. The
24king was saying--in the middle of something he'd started in on-- "--they bein' partickler friends o' the diseased.
25That's why they're invited here this evenin'; but tomorrow we want all to come--everybody; for he respected everybody,
26he liked everybody, and so it's fitten that his funeral orgies sh'd be public." And so he went a-mooning on and on,
27liking to hear himself talk, and every little while he fetched in his funeral orgies again, till the duke he couldn't
28stand it no more; so he writes on a little scrap of paper, "obsequies, you old fool," and folds it up, and goes to
29goo-gooing and reaching it over people's heads to him. The king he reads it and puts it in his pocket, and says: "Poor
30William, afflicted as he is, his heart's aluz right. Asks me to invite everybody to come to the funeral--wants me to
31make 'em all welcome. But he needn't a worried--it was jest what I was at." Then he weaves along again, perfectly ca'm,
32and goes to dropping in his funeral orgies again every now and then, just like he done before. And when he done it the
33third time he says: "I say orgies, not because it's the common term, because it ain't--obsequies bein' the common
34term--but because orgies is the right term. Obsequies ain't used in England no more now--it's gone out. We say orgies
35now in England. Orgies is better, because it means the thing you're after more exact. It's a word that's made up out'n
36the Greek orgo, outside, open, abroad; and the Hebrew jeesum, to plant, cover up; hence inter. So, you see, funeral
37orgies is an open er public funeral." He was the worst I ever struck. Well, the iron-jawed man he laughed right in his
38face. Everybody was shocked. Everybody says, "Why, doctor!" and Abner Shackleford says: "Why, Robinson, hain't you heard
39the news? This is Harvey Wilks." The king he smiled eager, and shoved out his flapper, and says: "Is it my poor
40brother's dear good friend and physician? I--" "Keep your hands off of me!" says the doctor. "You talk like an
41Englishman, don't you? It's the worst imitation I ever heard. You Peter Wilks's brother! You're a fraud, that's what you
42are!" Well, how they all took on! They crowded around the doctor and tried to quiet him down, and tried to explain to
43him and tell him how Harvey 'd showed in forty ways that he was Harvey, and knowed everybody by name, and the names of
44the very dogs, and begged and begged him not to hurt Harvey's feelings and the poor girl's feelings, and all that. But
45it warn't no use; he stormed right along, and said any man that pretended to be an Englishman and couldn't imitate the
46lingo no better than what he did was a fraud and a liar. The poor girls was hanging to the king and crying; and all of a
47sudden the doctor ups and turns on them. He says: "I was your father's friend, and I'm your friend; and I warn you as a
48friend, and an honest one that wants to protect you and keep you out of harm and trouble, to turn your backs on that
49scoundrel and have nothing to do with him, the ignorant tramp, with his idiotic Greek and Hebrew, as he calls it. He is
50the thinnest kind of an impostor--has come here with a lot of empty names and facts which he picked up somewheres, and
51you take them for proofs, and are helped to fool yourselves by these foolish friends here, who ought to know better.
52Mary Jane Wilks, you know me for your friend, and for your unselfish friend, too. Now listen to me; turn this pitiful
53rascal out--I beg you to do it. Will you?" Mary Jane straightened herself up, and my, but she was handsome! She says:
54"Here is my answer." She hove up the bag of money and put it in the king's hands, and says, "Take this six thousand
55dollars, and invest for me and my sisters any way you want to, and don't give us no receipt for it." Then she put her
56arm around the king on one side, and Susan and the hare-lip done the same on the other. Everybody clapped their hands
57and stomped on the floor like a perfect storm, whilst the king held up his head and smiled proud. The doctor says: "All
58right; I wash my hands of the matter. But I warn you all that a time 's coming when you're going to feel sick whenever
59you think of this day." And away he went. "All right, doctor," says the king, kinder mocking him; "we'll try and get 'em
60to send for you;" which made them all laugh, and they said it was a prime good hit.
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