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1It is a most miserable thing to feel ashamed of home. There may be black ingratitude in the thing, and the punishment
2may be retributive and well deserved; but that it is a miserable thing, I can testify. Home had never been a very
3pleasant place to me, because of my sister's temper. But, Joe had sanctified it, and I had believed in it. I had
4believed in the best parlour as a most elegant saloon; I had believed in the front door, as a mysterious portal of the
5Temple of State whose solemn opening was attended with a sacrifice of roast fowls; I had believed in the kitchen as a
6chaste though not magnificent apartment; I had believed in the forge as the glowing road to manhood and independence.
7Within a single year all this was changed. Now it was all coarse and common, and I would not have had Miss Havisham and
8Estella see it on any account. How much of my ungracious condition of mind may have been my own fault, how much Miss
9Havisham's, how much my sister's, is now of no moment to me or to any one. The change was made in me; the thing was
10done. Well or ill done, excusably or inexcusably, it was done. Once, it had seemed to me that when I should at last roll
11up my shirt-sleeves and go into the forge, Joe's 'prentice, I should be distinguished and happy. Now the reality was in
12my hold, I only felt that I was dusty with the dust of small-coal, and that I had a weight upon my daily remembrance to
13which the anvil was a feather. There have been occasions in my later life (I suppose as in most lives) when I have felt
14for a time as if a thick curtain had fallen on all its interest and romance, to shut me out from anything save dull
15endurance any more. Never has that curtain dropped so heavy and blank, as when my way in life lay stretched out straight
16before me through the newly entered road of apprenticeship to Joe. I remember that at a later period of my "time," I
17used to stand about the churchyard on Sunday evenings when night was falling, comparing my own perspective with the
18windy marsh view, and making out some likeness between them by thinking how flat and low both were, and how on both
19there came an unknown way and a dark mist and then the sea. I was quite as dejected on the first working-day of my
20apprenticeship as in that after-time; but I am glad to know that I never breathed a murmur to Joe while my indentures
21lasted. It is about the only thing I am glad to know of myself in that connection. For, though it includes what I
22proceed to add, all the merit of what I proceed to add was Joe's. It was not because I was faithful, but because Joe was
23faithful, that I never ran away and went for a soldier or a sailor. It was not because I had a strong sense of the
24virtue of industry, but because Joe had a strong sense of the virtue of industry, that I worked with tolerable zeal
25against the grain. It is not possible to know how far the influence of any amiable honest-hearted duty-doing man flies
26out into the world; but it is very possible to know how it has touched one's self in going by, and I know right well
27that any good that intermixed itself with my apprenticeship came of plain contented Joe, and not of restlessly aspiring
28discontented me. What I wanted, who can say? How can I say, when I never knew? What I dreaded was, that in some unlucky
29hour I, being at my grimiest and commonest, should lift up my eyes and see Estella looking in at one of the wooden
30windows of the forge. I was haunted by the fear that she would, sooner or later, find me out, with a black face and
31hands, doing the coarsest part of my work, and would exult over me and despise me. Often after dark, when I was pulling
32the bellows for Joe, and we were singing Old Clem, and when the thought how we used to sing it at Miss Havisham's would
33seem to show me Estella's face in the fire, with her pretty hair fluttering in the wind and her eyes scorning me,--often
34at such a time I would look towards those panels of black night in the wall which the wooden windows then were, and
35would fancy that I saw her just drawing her face away, and would believe that she had come at last. After that, when we
36went in to supper, the place and the meal would have a more homely look than ever, and I would feel more ashamed of home
37than ever, in my own ungracious breast.
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