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1"If I could have settled down," I said to Biddy, plucking up the short grass within reach, much as I had once upon a
2time pulled my feelings out of my hair and kicked them into the brewery wall,--"if I could have settled down and been
3but half as fond of the forge as I was when I was little, I know it would have been much better for me. You and I and
4Joe would have wanted nothing then, and Joe and I would perhaps have gone partners when I was out of my time, and I
5might even have grown up to keep company with you, and we might have sat on this very bank on a fine Sunday, quite
6different people. I should have been good enough for you; shouldn't I, Biddy?" Biddy sighed as she looked at the ships
7sailing on, and returned for answer, "Yes; I am not over-particular." It scarcely sounded flattering, but I knew she
8meant well. "Instead of that," said I, plucking up more grass and chewing a blade or two, "see how I am going on.
9Dissatisfied, and uncomfortable, and--what would it signify to me, being coarse and common, if nobody had told me so!"
10Biddy turned her face suddenly towards mine, and looked far more attentively at me than she had looked at the sailing
11ships. "It was neither a very true nor a very polite thing to say," she remarked, directing her eyes to the ships again.
12"Who said it?" I was disconcerted, for I had broken away without quite seeing where I was going to. It was not to be
13shuffled off now, however, and I answered, "The beautiful young lady at Miss Havisham's, and she's more beautiful than
14anybody ever was, and I admire her dreadfully, and I want to be a gentleman on her account." Having made this lunatic
15confession, I began to throw my torn-up grass into the river, as if I had some thoughts of following it. "Do you want to
16be a gentleman, to spite her or to gain her over?" Biddy quietly asked me, after a pause. "I don't know," I moodily
17answered. "Because, if it is to spite her," Biddy pursued, "I should think--but you know best--that might be better and
18more independently done by caring nothing for her words. And if it is to gain her over, I should think--but you know
19best--she was not worth gaining over." Exactly what I myself had thought, many times. Exactly what was perfectly
20manifest to me at the moment. But how could I, a poor dazed village lad, avoid that wonderful inconsistency into which
21the best and wisest of men fall every day? "It may be all quite true," said I to Biddy, "but I admire her dreadfully."
22In short, I turned over on my face when I came to that, and got a good grasp on the hair on each side of my head, and
23wrenched it well. All the while knowing the madness of my heart to be so very mad and misplaced, that I was quite
24conscious it would have served my face right, if I had lifted it up by my hair, and knocked it against the pebbles as a
25punishment for belonging to such an idiot. Biddy was the wisest of girls, and she tried to reason no more with me. She
26put her hand, which was a comfortable hand though roughened by work, upon my hands, one after another, and gently took
27them out of my hair. Then she softly patted my shoulder in a soothing way, while with my face upon my sleeve I cried a
28little,--exactly as I had done in the brewery yard,--and felt vaguely convinced that I was very much ill-used by
29somebody, or by everybody; I can't say which. "I am glad of one thing," said Biddy, "and that is, that you have felt you
30could give me your confidence, Pip. And I am glad of another thing, and that is, that of course you know you may depend
31upon my keeping it and always so far deserving it. If your first teacher (dear! such a poor one, and so much in need of
32being taught herself!) had been your teacher at the present time, she thinks she knows what lesson she would set. But it
33would be a hard one to learn, and you have got beyond her, and it's of no use now." So, with a quiet sigh for me, Biddy
34rose from the bank, and said, with a fresh and pleasant change of voice, "Shall we walk a little farther, or go home?"
35"Biddy," I cried, getting up, putting my arm round her neck, and giving her a kiss, "I shall always tell you
36everything." "Till you're a gentleman," said Biddy. "You know I never shall be, so that's always. Not that I have any
37occasion to tell you anything, for you know everything I know,--as I told you at home the other night." "Ah!" said
38Biddy, quite in a whisper, as she looked away at the ships. And then repeated, with her former pleasant change, "shall
39we walk a little farther, or go home?" I said to Biddy we would walk a little farther, and we did so, and the summer
40afternoon toned down into the summer evening, and it was very beautiful. I began to consider whether I was not more
41naturally and wholesomely situated, after all, in these circumstances, than playing beggar my neighbour by candle-light
42in the room with the stopped clocks, and being despised by Estella. I thought it would be very good for me if I could
43get her out of my head, with all the rest of those remembrances and fancies, and could go to work determined to relish
44what I had to do, and stick to it, and make the best of it. I asked myself the question whether I did not surely know
45that if Estella were beside me at that moment instead of Biddy, she would make me miserable? I was obliged to admit that
46I did know it for a certainty, and I said to myself, "Pip, what a fool you are!" We talked a good deal as we walked, and
47all that Biddy said seemed right. Biddy was never insulting, or capricious, or Biddy to-day and somebody else to-morrow;
48she would have derived only pain, and no pleasure, from giving me pain; she would far rather have wounded her own breast
49than mine. How could it be, then, that I did not like her much the better of the two? "Biddy," said I, when we were
50walking homeward, "I wish you could put me right." "I wish I could!" said Biddy. "If I could only get myself to fall in
51love with you,--you don't mind my speaking so openly to such an old acquaintance?" "Oh dear, not at all!" said Biddy.
52"Don't mind me." "If I could only get myself to do it, that would be the thing for me." "But you never will, you see,"
53said Biddy. It did not appear quite so unlikely to me that evening, as it would have done if we had discussed it a few
54hours before. I therefore observed I was not quite sure of that. But Biddy said she was, and she said it decisively. In
55my heart I believed her to be right; and yet I took it rather ill, too, that she should be so positive on the point.
56When we came near the churchyard, we had to cross an embankment, and get over a stile near a sluice-gate. There started
57up, from the gate, or from the rushes, or from the ooze (which was quite in his stagnant way), Old Orlick. "Halloa!" he
58growled, "where are you two going?" "Where should we be going, but home?" "Well, then," said he, "I'm jiggered if I
59don't see you home!" This penalty of being jiggered was a favourite supposititious case of his. He attached no definite
60meaning to the word that I am aware of, but used it, like his own pretended Christian name, to affront mankind, and
61convey an idea of something savagely damaging. When I was younger, I had had a general belief that if he had jiggered me
62personally, he would have done it with a sharp and twisted hook. Biddy was much against his going with us, and said to
63me in a whisper, "Don't let him come; I don't like him." As I did not like him either, I took the liberty of saying that
64we thanked him, but we didn't want seeing home. He received that piece of information with a yell of laughter, and
65dropped back, but came slouching after us at a little distance.
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