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1It came to my knowledge, through what passed between Mrs. Pocket and Drummle while I was attentive to my knife and fork,
2spoon, glasses, and other instruments of self-destruction, that Drummle, whose Christian name was Bentley, was actually
3the next heir but one to a baronetcy. It further appeared that the book I had seen Mrs. Pocket reading in the garden was
4all about titles, and that she knew the exact date at which her grandpapa would have come into the book, if he ever had
5come at all. Drummle didn't say much, but in his limited way (he struck me as a sulky kind of fellow) he spoke as one of
6the elect, and recognised Mrs. Pocket as a woman and a sister. No one but themselves and Mrs. Coiler the toady neighbour
7showed any interest in this part of the conversation, and it appeared to me that it was painful to Herbert; but it
8promised to last a long time, when the page came in with the announcement of a domestic affliction. It was, in effect,
9that the cook had mislaid the beef. To my unutterable amazement, I now, for the first time, saw Mr. Pocket relieve his
10mind by going through a performance that struck me as very extraordinary, but which made no impression on anybody else,
11and with which I soon became as familiar as the rest. He laid down the carving-knife and fork,--being engaged in
12carving, at the moment,--put his two hands into his disturbed hair, and appeared to make an extraordinary effort to lift
13himself up by it. When he had done this, and had not lifted himself up at all, he quietly went on with what he was
14about. Mrs. Coiler then changed the subject and began to flatter me. I liked it for a few moments, but she flattered me
15so very grossly that the pleasure was soon over. She had a serpentine way of coming close at me when she pretended to be
16vitally interested in the friends and localities I had left, which was altogether snaky and fork-tongued; and when she
17made an occasional bounce upon Startop (who said very little to her), or upon Drummle (who said less), I rather envied
18them for being on the opposite side of the table. After dinner the children were introduced, and Mrs. Coiler made
19admiring comments on their eyes, noses, and legs,--a sagacious way of improving their minds. There were four little
20girls, and two little boys, besides the baby who might have been either, and the baby's next successor who was as yet
21neither. They were brought in by Flopson and Millers, much as though those two non-commissioned officers had been
22recruiting somewhere for children and had enlisted these, while Mrs. Pocket looked at the young Nobles that ought to
23have been as if she rather thought she had had the pleasure of inspecting them before, but didn't quite know what to
24make of them. "Here! Give me your fork, Mum, and take the baby," said Flopson. "Don't take it that way, or you'll get
25its head under the table." Thus advised, Mrs. Pocket took it the other way, and got its head upon the table; which was
26announced to all present by a prodigious concussion. "Dear, dear! Give it me back, Mum," said Flopson; "and Miss Jane,
27come and dance to baby, do!" One of the little girls, a mere mite who seemed to have prematurely taken upon herself some
28charge of the others, stepped out of her place by me, and danced to and from the baby until it left off crying, and
29laughed. Then, all the children laughed, and Mr. Pocket (who in the meantime had twice endeavoured to lift himself up by
30the hair) laughed, and we all laughed and were glad. Flopson, by dint of doubling the baby at the joints like a Dutch
31doll, then got it safely into Mrs. Pocket's lap, and gave it the nut-crackers to play with; at the same time
32recommending Mrs. Pocket to take notice that the handles of that instrument were not likely to agree with its eyes, and
33sharply charging Miss Jane to look after the same. Then, the two nurses left the room, and had a lively scuffle on the
34staircase with a dissipated page who had waited at dinner, and who had clearly lost half his buttons at the
35gaming-table. I was made very uneasy in my mind by Mrs. Pocket's falling into a discussion with Drummle respecting two
36baronetcies, while she ate a sliced orange steeped in sugar and wine, and, forgetting all about the baby on her lap, who
37did most appalling things with the nut-crackers. At length little Jane, perceiving its young brains to be imperilled,
38softly left her place, and with many small artifices coaxed the dangerous weapon away. Mrs. Pocket finishing her orange
39at about the same time, and not approving of this, said to Jane,-- "You naughty child, how dare you? Go and sit down
40this instant!" "Mamma dear," lisped the little girl, "baby ood have put hith eyeth out." "How dare you tell me so?"
41retorted Mrs. Pocket. "Go and sit down in your chair this moment!" Mrs. Pocket's dignity was so crushing, that I felt
42quite abashed, as if I myself had done something to rouse it. "Belinda," remonstrated Mr. Pocket, from the other end of
43the table, "how can you be so unreasonable? Jane only interfered for the protection of baby." "I will not allow anybody
44to interfere," said Mrs. Pocket. "I am surprised, Matthew, that you should expose me to the affront of interference."
45"Good God!" cried Mr. Pocket, in an outbreak of desolate desperation. "Are infants to be nut-crackered into their tombs,
46and is nobody to save them?" "I will not be interfered with by Jane," said Mrs. Pocket, with a majestic glance at that
47innocent little offender. "I hope I know my poor grandpapa's position. Jane, indeed!" Mr. Pocket got his hands in his
48hair again, and this time really did lift himself some inches out of his chair. "Hear this!" he helplessly exclaimed to
49the elements. "Babies are to be nut-crackered dead, for people's poor grandpapa's positions!" Then he let himself down
50again, and became silent. We all looked awkwardly at the tablecloth while this was going on. A pause succeeded, during
51which the honest and irrepressible baby made a series of leaps and crows at little Jane, who appeared to me to be the
52only member of the family (irrespective of servants) with whom it had any decided acquaintance. "Mr. Drummle," said Mrs.
53Pocket, "will you ring for Flopson? Jane, you undutiful little thing, go and lie down. Now, baby darling, come with ma!"
54The baby was the soul of honour, and protested with all its might. It doubled itself up the wrong way over Mrs. Pocket's
55arm, exhibited a pair of knitted shoes and dimpled ankles to the company in lieu of its soft face, and was carried out
56in the highest state of mutiny. And it gained its point after all, for I saw it through the window within a few minutes,
57being nursed by little Jane. It happened that the other five children were left behind at the dinner-table, through
58Flopson's having some private engagement, and their not being anybody else's business. I thus became aware of the mutual
59relations between them and Mr. Pocket, which were exemplified in the following manner. Mr. Pocket, with the normal
60perplexity of his face heightened and his hair rumpled, looked at them for some minutes, as if he couldn't make out how
61they came to be boarding and lodging in that establishment, and why they hadn't been billeted by Nature on somebody
62else. Then, in a distant Missionary way he asked them certain questions,--as why little Joe had that hole in his frill,
63who said, Pa, Flopson was going to mend it when she had time,--and how little Fanny came by that whitlow, who said, Pa,
64Millers was going to poultice it when she didn't forget. Then, he melted into parental tenderness, and gave them a
65shilling apiece and told them to go and play; and then as they went out, with one very strong effort to lift himself up
66by the hair he dismissed the hopeless subject.
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