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1If that staid old house near the Green at Richmond should ever come to be haunted when I am dead, it will be haunted,
2surely, by my ghost. O the many, many nights and days through which the unquiet spirit within me haunted that house when
3Estella lived there! Let my body be where it would, my spirit was always wandering, wandering, wandering, about that
4house. The lady with whom Estella was placed, Mrs. Brandley by name, was a widow, with one daughter several years older
5than Estella. The mother looked young, and the daughter looked old; the mother's complexion was pink, and the daughter's
6was yellow; the mother set up for frivolity, and the daughter for theology. They were in what is called a good position,
7and visited, and were visited by, numbers of people. Little, if any, community of feeling subsisted between them and
8Estella, but the understanding was established that they were necessary to her, and that she was necessary to them. Mrs.
9Brandley had been a friend of Miss Havisham's before the time of her seclusion. In Mrs. Brandley's house and out of Mrs.
10Brandley's house, I suffered every kind and degree of torture that Estella could cause me. The nature of my relations
11with her, which placed me on terms of familiarity without placing me on terms of favour, conduced to my distraction. She
12made use of me to tease other admirers, and she turned the very familiarity between herself and me to the account of
13putting a constant slight on my devotion to her. If I had been her secretary, steward, half-brother, poor relation,--if
14I had been a younger brother of her appointed husband,--I could not have seemed to myself further from my hopes when I
15was nearest to her. The privilege of calling her by her name and hearing her call me by mine became, under the
16circumstances an aggravation of my trials; and while I think it likely that it almost maddened her other lovers, I know
17too certainly that it almost maddened me. She had admirers without end. No doubt my jealousy made an admirer of every
18one who went near her; but there were more than enough of them without that. I saw her often at Richmond, I heard of her
19often in town, and I used often to take her and the Brandleys on the water; there were picnics, fête days, plays,
20operas, concerts, parties, all sorts of pleasures, through which I pursued her,--and they were all miseries to me. I
21never had one hour's happiness in her society, and yet my mind all round the four-and-twenty hours was harping on the
22happiness of having her with me unto death. Throughout this part of our intercourse,--and it lasted, as will presently
23be seen, for what I then thought a long time,--she habitually reverted to that tone which expressed that our association
24was forced upon us. There were other times when she would come to a sudden check in this tone and in all her many tones,
25and would seem to pity me. "Pip, Pip," she said one evening, coming to such a check, when we sat apart at a darkening
26window of the house in Richmond; "will you never take warning?" "Of what?" "Of me." "Warning not to be attracted by you,
27do you mean, Estella?" "Do I mean! If you don't know what I mean, you are blind." I should have replied that Love was
28commonly reputed blind, but for the reason that I always was restrained--and this was not the least of my miseries--by a
29feeling that it was ungenerous to press myself upon her, when she knew that she could not choose but obey Miss Havisham.
30My dread always was, that this knowledge on her part laid me under a heavy disadvantage with her pride, and made me the
31subject of a rebellious struggle in her bosom. "At any rate," said I, "I have no warning given me just now, for you
32wrote to me to come to you, this time." "That's true," said Estella, with a cold careless smile that always chilled me.
33After looking at the twilight without, for a little while, she went on to say:-- "The time has come round when Miss
34Havisham wishes to have me for a day at Satis. You are to take me there, and bring me back, if you will. She would
35rather I did not travel alone, and objects to receiving my maid, for she has a sensitive horror of being talked of by
36such people. Can you take me?" "Can I take you, Estella!" "You can then? The day after to-morrow, if you please. You are
37to pay all charges out of my purse. You hear the condition of your going?" "And must obey," said I. This was all the
38preparation I received for that visit, or for others like it; Miss Havisham never wrote to me, nor had I ever so much as
39seen her handwriting. We went down on the next day but one, and we found her in the room where I had first beheld her,
40and it is needless to add that there was no change in Satis House. She was even more dreadfully fond of Estella than she
41had been when I last saw them together; I repeat the word advisedly, for there was something positively dreadful in the
42energy of her looks and embraces. She hung upon Estella's beauty, hung upon her words, hung upon her gestures, and sat
43mumbling her own trembling fingers while she looked at her, as though she were devouring the beautiful creature she had
44reared. From Estella she looked at me, with a searching glance that seemed to pry into my heart and probe its wounds.
45"How does she use you, Pip; how does she use you?" she asked me again, with her witch-like eagerness, even in Estella's
46hearing. But, when we sat by her flickering fire at night, she was most weird; for then, keeping Estella's hand drawn
47through her arm and clutched in her own hand, she extorted from her, by dint of referring back to what Estella had told
48her in her regular letters, the names and conditions of the men whom she had fascinated; and as Miss Havisham dwelt upon
49this roll, with the intensity of a mind mortally hurt and diseased, she sat with her other hand on her crutch stick, and
50her chin on that, and her wan bright eyes glaring at me, a very spectre. I saw in this, wretched though it made me, and
51bitter the sense of dependence and even of degradation that it awakened,--I saw in this that Estella was set to wreak
52Miss Havisham's revenge on men, and that she was not to be given to me until she had gratified it for a term. I saw in
53this, a reason for her being beforehand assigned to me. Sending her out to attract and torment and do mischief, Miss
54Havisham sent her with the malicious assurance that she was beyond the reach of all admirers, and that all who staked
55upon that cast were secured to lose. I saw in this that I, too, was tormented by a perversion of ingenuity, even while
56the prize was reserved for me. I saw in this the reason for my being staved off so long and the reason for my late
57guardian's declining to commit himself to the formal knowledge of such a scheme. In a word, I saw in this Miss Havisham
58as I had her then and there before my eyes, and always had had her before my eyes; and I saw in this, the distinct
59shadow of the darkened and unhealthy house in which her life was hidden from the sun. The candles that lighted that room
60of hers were placed in sconces on the wall. They were high from the ground, and they burnt with the steady dulness of
61artificial light in air that is seldom renewed. As I looked round at them, and at the pale gloom they made, and at the
62stopped clock, and at the withered articles of bridal dress upon the table and the ground, and at her own awful figure
63with its ghostly reflection thrown large by the fire upon the ceiling and the wall, I saw in everything the construction
64that my mind had come to, repeated and thrown back to me. My thoughts passed into the great room across the landing
65where the table was spread, and I saw it written, as it were, in the falls of the cobwebs from the centre-piece, in the
66crawlings of the spiders on the cloth, in the tracks of the mice as they betook their little quickened hearts behind the
67panels, and in the gropings and pausings of the beetles on the floor.
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