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1"She taxed me with the offence at once, and my confusion may be guessed. The purity of her life, the formality of her
2notions, her ignorance of the world--every thing was against me. The matter itself I could not deny, and vain was every
3endeavour to soften it. She was previously disposed, I believe, to doubt the morality of my conduct in general, and was
4moreover discontented with the very little attention, the very little portion of my time that I had bestowed on her, in
5my present visit. In short, it ended in a total breach. By one measure I might have saved myself. In the height of her
6morality, good woman! she offered to forgive the past, if I would marry Eliza. That could not be--and I was formally
7dismissed from her favour and her house. The night following this affair--I was to go the next morning--was spent by me
8in deliberating on what my future conduct should be. The struggle was great--but it ended too soon. My affection for
9Marianne, my thorough conviction of her attachment to me--it was all insufficient to outweigh that dread of poverty, or
10get the better of those false ideas of the necessity of riches, which I was naturally inclined to feel, and expensive
11society had increased. I had reason to believe myself secure of my present wife, if I chose to address her, and I
12persuaded myself to think that nothing else in common prudence remained for me to do. A heavy scene however awaited me,
13before I could leave Devonshire;--I was engaged to dine with you on that very day; some apology was therefore necessary
14for my breaking this engagement. But whether I should write this apology, or deliver it in person, was a point of long
15debate. To see Marianne, I felt, would be dreadful, and I even doubted whether I could see her again, and keep to my
16resolution. In that point, however, I undervalued my own magnanimity, as the event declared; for I went, I saw her, and
17saw her miserable, and left her miserable--and left her hoping never to see her again." "Why did you call, Mr.
18Willoughby?" said Elinor, reproachfully; "a note would have answered every purpose. Why was it necessary to call?" "It
19was necessary to my own pride. I could not bear to leave the country in a manner that might lead you, or the rest of the
20neighbourhood, to suspect any part of what had really passed between Mrs. Smith and myself--and I resolved therefore on
21calling at the cottage, in my way to Honiton. The sight of your dear sister, however, was really dreadful; and, to
22heighten the matter, I found her alone. You were all gone I do not know where. I had left her only the evening before,
23so fully, so firmly resolved within my self on doing right! A few hours were to have engaged her to me for ever; and I
24remember how happy, how gay were my spirits, as I walked from the cottage to Allenham, satisfied with myself, delighted
25with every body! But in this, our last interview of friendship, I approached her with a sense of guilt that almost took
26from me the power of dissembling. Her sorrow, her disappointment, her deep regret, when I told her that I was obliged to
27leave Devonshire so immediately--I never shall forget it--united too with such reliance, such confidence in me!--Oh,
28God!--what a hard-hearted rascal I was!" They were both silent for a few moments. Elinor first spoke. "Did you tell her
29that you should soon return?" "I do not know what I told her," he replied, impatiently; "less than was due to the past,
30beyond a doubt, and in all likelihood much more than was justified by the future. I cannot think of it.--It won't
31do.--Then came your dear mother to torture me farther, with all her kindness and confidence. Thank Heaven! it did
32torture me. I was miserable. Miss Dashwood, you cannot have an idea of the comfort it gives me to look back on my own
33misery. I owe such a grudge to myself for the stupid, rascally folly of my own heart, that all my past sufferings under
34it are only triumph and exultation to me now. Well, I went, left all that I loved, and went to those to whom, at best, I
35was only indifferent. My journey to town--travelling with my own horses, and therefore so tediously--no creature to
36speak to--my own reflections so cheerful--when I looked forward every thing so inviting!--when I looked back at Barton,
37the picture so soothing!--oh, it was a blessed journey!" He stopped. "Well, sir," said Elinor, who, though pitying him,
38grew impatient for his departure, "and this is all?" "All!--no:--have you forgot what passed in town? That infamous
39letter? Did she show it you?" "Yes, I saw every note that passed." "When the first of hers reached me (as it immediately
40did, for I was in town the whole time,) what I felt is--in the common phrase, not to be expressed; in a more simple
41one--perhaps too simple to raise any emotion--my feelings were very, very painful.--Every line, every word was--in the
42hackneyed metaphor which their dear writer, were she here, would forbid--a dagger to my heart. To know that Marianne was
43in town was--in the same language--a thunderbolt.--Thunderbolts and daggers!--what a reproof would she have given
44me!--her taste, her opinions--I believe they are better known to me than my own,--and I am sure they are dearer."
45Elinor's heart, which had undergone many changes in the course of this extraordinary conversation, was now softened
46again;--yet she felt it her duty to check such ideas in her companion as the last. "This is not right, Mr.
47Willoughby.--Remember that you are married. Relate only what in your conscience you think necessary for me to hear."
48"Marianne's note, by assuring me that I was still as dear to her as in former days,--that in spite of the many, many
49weeks we had been separated, she was as constant in her own feelings, and as full of faith in the constancy of mine as
50ever,--awakened all my remorse. I say awakened, because time and London, business and dissipation, had in some measure
51quieted it, and I had been growing a fine hardened villain, fancying myself indifferent to her, and chusing to fancy
52that she too must have become indifferent to me; talking to myself of our past attachment as a mere idle, trifling
53business, shrugging up my shoulders in proof of its being so, and silencing every reproach, overcoming every scruple, by
54secretly saying now and then, 'I shall be heartily glad to hear she is well married.' But this note made me know myself
55better. I felt that she was infinitely dearer to me than any other woman in the world, and that I was using her
56infamously. But every thing was then just settled between Miss Grey and me. To retreat was impossible. All that I had to
57do, was to avoid you both. I sent no answer to Marianne, intending by that to preserve myself from her farther notice;
58and for some time I was even determined not to call in Berkeley Street;--but at last, judging it wiser to affect the air
59of a cool, common acquaintance than anything else, I watched you all safely out of the house one morning, and left my
60name." "Watched us out of the house!"
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