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1Perhaps it is paid already. Let me hear from you without delay; I am impatient for a thousand particulars. Remember how
2few minutes I was at Randalls, and in how bewildered, how mad a state: and I am not much better yet; still insane either
3from happiness or misery. When I think of the kindness and favour I have met with, of her excellence and patience, and
4my uncle's generosity, I am mad with joy: but when I recollect all the uneasiness I occasioned her, and how little I
5deserve to be forgiven, I am mad with anger. If I could but see her again!--But I must not propose it yet. My uncle has
6been too good for me to encroach.--I must still add to this long letter. You have not heard all that you ought to hear.
7I could not give any connected detail yesterday; but the suddenness, and, in one light, the unseasonableness with which
8the affair burst out, needs explanation; for though the event of the 26th ult., as you will conclude, immediately opened
9to me the happiest prospects, I should not have presumed on such early measures, but from the very particular
10circumstances, which left me not an hour to lose. I should myself have shrunk from any thing so hasty, and she would
11have felt every scruple of mine with multiplied strength and refinement.--But I had no choice. The hasty engagement she
12had entered into with that woman--Here, my dear madam, I was obliged to leave off abruptly, to recollect and compose
13myself.--I have been walking over the country, and am now, I hope, rational enough to make the rest of my letter what it
14ought to be.--It is, in fact, a most mortifying retrospect for me. I behaved shamefully. And here I can admit, that my
15manners to Miss W., in being unpleasant to Miss F., were highly blameable. She disapproved them, which ought to have
16been enough.--My plea of concealing the truth she did not think sufficient.--She was displeased; I thought unreasonably
17so: I thought her, on a thousand occasions, unnecessarily scrupulous and cautious: I thought her even cold. But she was
18always right. If I had followed her judgment, and subdued my spirits to the level of what she deemed proper, I should
19have escaped the greatest unhappiness I have ever known.--We quarrelled.-- Do you remember the morning spent at
20Donwell?--There every little dissatisfaction that had occurred before came to a crisis. I was late; I met her walking
21home by herself, and wanted to walk with her, but she would not suffer it. She absolutely refused to allow me, which I
22then thought most unreasonable. Now, however, I see nothing in it but a very natural and consistent degree of
23discretion. While I, to blind the world to our engagement, was behaving one hour with objectionable particularity to
24another woman, was she to be consenting the next to a proposal which might have made every previous caution
25useless?--Had we been met walking together between Donwell and Highbury, the truth must have been suspected.--I was mad
26enough, however, to resent.--I doubted her affection. I doubted it more the next day on Box Hill; when, provoked by such
27conduct on my side, such shameful, insolent neglect of her, and such apparent devotion to Miss W., as it would have been
28impossible for any woman of sense to endure, she spoke her resentment in a form of words perfectly intelligible to
29me.--In short, my dear madam, it was a quarrel blameless on her side, abominable on mine; and I returned the same
30evening to Richmond, though I might have staid with you till the next morning, merely because I would be as angry with
31her as possible. Even then, I was not such a fool as not to mean to be reconciled in time; but I was the injured person,
32injured by her coldness, and I went away determined that she should make the first advances.--I shall always
33congratulate myself that you were not of the Box Hill party. Had you witnessed my behaviour there, I can hardly suppose
34you would ever have thought well of me again. Its effect upon her appears in the immediate resolution it produced: as
35soon as she found I was really gone from Randalls, she closed with the offer of that officious Mrs. Elton; the whole
36system of whose treatment of her, by the bye, has ever filled me with indignation and hatred. I must not quarrel with a
37spirit of forbearance which has been so richly extended towards myself; but, otherwise, I should loudly protest against
38the share of it which that woman has known.--'Jane,' indeed!--You will observe that I have not yet indulged myself in
39calling her by that name, even to you. Think, then, what I must have endured in hearing it bandied between the Eltons
40with all the vulgarity of needless repetition, and all the insolence of imaginary superiority. Have patience with me, I
41shall soon have done.--She closed with this offer, resolving to break with me entirely, and wrote the next day to tell
42me that we never were to meet again.--She felt the engagement to be a source of repentance and misery to each: she
43dissolved it.--This letter reached me on the very morning of my poor aunt's death. I answered it within an hour; but
44from the confusion of my mind, and the multiplicity of business falling on me at once, my answer, instead of being sent
45with all the many other letters of that day, was locked up in my writing-desk; and I, trusting that I had written
46enough, though but a few lines, to satisfy her, remained without any uneasiness.--I was rather disappointed that I did
47not hear from her again speedily; but I made excuses for her, and was too busy, and--may I add?--too cheerful in my
48views to be captious.--We removed to Windsor; and two days afterwards I received a parcel from her, my own letters all
49returned!--and a few lines at the same time by the post, stating her extreme surprize at not having had the smallest
50reply to her last; and adding, that as silence on such a point could not be misconstrued, and as it must be equally
51desirable to both to have every subordinate arrangement concluded as soon as possible, she now sent me, by a safe
52conveyance, all my letters, and requested, that if I could not directly command hers, so as to send them to Highbury
53within a week, I would forward them after that period to her at--: in short, the full direction to Mr.
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