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1From my discourse with Mr. Lloyd, and from the above reported conference between Bessie and Abbot, I gathered enough of
2hope to suffice as a motive for wishing to get well: a change seemed near,--I desired and waited it in silence. It
3tarried, however: days and weeks passed: I had regained my normal state of health, but no new allusion was made to the
4subject over which I brooded. Mrs. Reed surveyed me at times with a severe eye, but seldom addressed me: since my
5illness, she had drawn a more marked line of separation than ever between me and her own children; appointing me a small
6closet to sleep in by myself, condemning me to take my meals alone, and pass all my time in the nursery, while my
7cousins were constantly in the drawing-room. Not a hint, however, did she drop about sending me to school: still I felt
8an instinctive certainty that she would not long endure me under the same roof with her; for her glance, now more than
9ever, when turned on me, expressed an insuperable and rooted aversion. Eliza and Georgiana, evidently acting according
10to orders, spoke to me as little as possible: John thrust his tongue in his cheek whenever he saw me, and once attempted
11chastisement; but as I instantly turned against him, roused by the same sentiment of deep ire and desperate revolt which
12had stirred my corruption before, he thought it better to desist, and ran from me uttering execrations, and vowing I had
13burst his nose. I had indeed levelled at that prominent feature as hard a blow as my knuckles could inflict; and when I
14saw that either that or my look daunted him, I had the greatest inclination to follow up my advantage to purpose; but he
15was already with his mama. I heard him in a blubbering tone commence the tale of how "that nasty Jane Eyre" had flown at
16him like a mad cat: he was stopped rather harshly-- "Don't talk to me about her, John: I told you not to go near her;
17she is not worthy of notice; I do not choose that either you or your sisters should associate with her." Here, leaning
18over the banister, I cried out suddenly, and without at all deliberating on my words-- "They are not fit to associate
19with me." Mrs. Reed was rather a stout woman; but, on hearing this strange and audacious declaration, she ran nimbly up
20the stair, swept me like a whirlwind into the nursery, and crushing me down on the edge of my crib, dared me in an
21emphatic voice to rise from that place, or utter one syllable during the remainder of the day. "What would Uncle Reed
22say to you, if he were alive?" was my scarcely voluntary demand. I say scarcely voluntary, for it seemed as if my tongue
23pronounced words without my will consenting to their utterance: something spoke out of me over which I had no control.
24"What?" said Mrs. Reed under her breath: her usually cold composed grey eye became troubled with a look like fear; she
25took her hand from my arm, and gazed at me as if she really did not know whether I were child or fiend. I was now in for
26it. "My Uncle Reed is in heaven, and can see all you do and think; and so can papa and mama: they know how you shut me
27up all day long, and how you wish me dead." Mrs. Reed soon rallied her spirits: she shook me most soundly, she boxed
28both my ears, and then left me without a word. Bessie supplied the hiatus by a homily of an hour's length, in which she
29proved beyond a doubt that I was the most wicked and abandoned child ever reared under a roof. I half believed her; for
30I felt indeed only bad feelings surging in my breast. November, December, and half of January passed away. Christmas and
31the New Year had been celebrated at Gateshead with the usual festive cheer; presents had been interchanged, dinners and
32evening parties given. From every enjoyment I was, of course, excluded: my share of the gaiety consisted in witnessing
33the daily apparelling of Eliza and Georgiana, and seeing them descend to the drawing-room, dressed out in thin muslin
34frocks and scarlet sashes, with hair elaborately ringletted; and afterwards, in listening to the sound of the piano or
35the harp played below, to the passing to and fro of the butler and footman, to the jingling of glass and china as
36refreshments were handed, to the broken hum of conversation as the drawing-room door opened and closed. When tired of
37this occupation, I would retire from the stairhead to the solitary and silent nursery: there, though somewhat sad, I was
38not miserable. To speak truth, I had not the least wish to go into company, for in company I was very rarely noticed;
39and if Bessie had but been kind and companionable, I should have deemed it a treat to spend the evenings quietly with
40her, instead of passing them under the formidable eye of Mrs. Reed, in a room full of ladies and gentlemen. But Bessie,
41as soon as she had dressed her young ladies, used to take herself off to the lively regions of the kitchen and
42housekeeper's room, generally bearing the candle along with her. I then sat with my doll on my knee till the fire got
43low, glancing round occasionally to make sure that nothing worse than myself haunted the shadowy room; and when the
44embers sank to a dull red, I undressed hastily, tugging at knots and strings as I best might, and sought shelter from
45cold and darkness in my crib. To this crib I always took my doll; human beings must love something, and, in the dearth
46of worthier objects of affection, I contrived to find a pleasure in loving and cherishing a faded graven image, shabby
47as a miniature scarecrow. It puzzles me now to remember with what absurd sincerity I doated on this little toy, half
48fancying it alive and capable of sensation. I could not sleep unless it was folded in my night-gown; and when it lay
49there safe and warm, I was comparatively happy, believing it to be happy likewise. Long did the hours seem while I
50waited the departure of the company, and listened for the sound of Bessie's step on the stairs: sometimes she would come
51up in the interval to seek her thimble or her scissors, or perhaps to bring me something by way of supper--a bun or a
52cheese-cake--then she would sit on the bed while I ate it, and when I had finished, she would tuck the clothes round me,
53and twice she kissed me, and said, "Good night, Miss Jane." When thus gentle, Bessie seemed to me the best, prettiest,
54kindest being in the world; and I wished most intensely that she would always be so pleasant and amiable, and never push
55me about, or scold, or task me unreasonably, as she was too often wont to do. Bessie Lee must, I think, have been a girl
56of good natural capacity, for she was smart in all she did, and had a remarkable knack of narrative; so, at least, I
57judge from the impression made on me by her nursery tales. She was pretty too, if my recollections of her face and
58person are correct. I remember her as a slim young woman, with black hair, dark eyes, very nice features, and good,
59clear complexion; but she had a capricious and hasty temper, and indifferent ideas of principle or justice: still, such
60as she was, I preferred her to any one else at Gateshead Hall.
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