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1Ever since my recovery from the fever, I had been in the custom of taking every night a small quantity of laudanum, for
2it was by means of this drug only that I was enabled to gain the rest necessary for the preservation of life. Oppressed
3by the recollection of my various misfortunes, I now swallowed double my usual quantity and soon slept profoundly. But
4sleep did not afford me respite from thought and misery; my dreams presented a thousand objects that scared me. Towards
5morning I was possessed by a kind of nightmare; I felt the fiend's grasp in my neck and could not free myself from it;
6groans and cries rang in my ears. My father, who was watching over me, perceiving my restlessness, awoke me; the dashing
7waves were around, the cloudy sky above, the fiend was not here: a sense of security, a feeling that a truce was
8established between the present hour and the irresistible, disastrous future imparted to me a kind of calm
9forgetfulness, of which the human mind is by its structure peculiarly susceptible. Chapter 22 The voyage came to an end.
10We landed, and proceeded to Paris. I soon found that I had overtaxed my strength and that I must repose before I could
11continue my journey. My father's care and attentions were indefatigable, but he did not know the origin of my sufferings
12and sought erroneous methods to remedy the incurable ill. He wished me to seek amusement in society. I abhorred the face
13of man. Oh, not abhorred! They were my brethren, my fellow beings, and I felt attracted even to the most repulsive among
14them, as to creatures of an angelic nature and celestial mechanism. But I felt that I had no right to share their
15intercourse. I had unchained an enemy among them whose joy it was to shed their blood and to revel in their groans. How
16they would, each and all, abhor me and hunt me from the world, did they know my unhallowed acts and the crimes which had
17their source in me! My father yielded at length to my desire to avoid society and strove by various arguments to banish
18my despair. Sometimes he thought that I felt deeply the degradation of being obliged to answer a charge of murder, and
19he endeavoured to prove to me the futility of pride. "Alas! My father," said I, "how little do you know me. Human
20beings, their feelings and passions, would indeed be degraded if such a wretch as I felt pride. Justine, poor unhappy
21Justine, was as innocent as I, and she suffered the same charge; she died for it; and I am the cause of this--I murdered
22her. William, Justine, and Henry--they all died by my hands." My father had often, during my imprisonment, heard me make
23the same assertion; when I thus accused myself, he sometimes seemed to desire an explanation, and at others he appeared
24to consider it as the offspring of delirium, and that, during my illness, some idea of this kind had presented itself to
25my imagination, the remembrance of which I preserved in my convalescence. I avoided explanation and maintained a
26continual silence concerning the wretch I had created. I had a persuasion that I should be supposed mad, and this in
27itself would for ever have chained my tongue. But, besides, I could not bring myself to disclose a secret which would
28fill my hearer with consternation and make fear and unnatural horror the inmates of his breast. I checked, therefore, my
29impatient thirst for sympathy and was silent when I would have given the world to have confided the fatal secret. Yet,
30still, words like those I have recorded would burst uncontrollably from me. I could offer no explanation of them, but
31their truth in part relieved the burden of my mysterious woe. Upon this occasion my father said, with an expression of
32unbounded wonder, "My dearest Victor, what infatuation is this? My dear son, I entreat you never to make such an
33assertion again." "I am not mad," I cried energetically; "the sun and the heavens, who have viewed my operations, can
34bear witness of my truth. I am the assassin of those most innocent victims; they died by my machinations. A thousand
35times would I have shed my own blood, drop by drop, to have saved their lives; but I could not, my father, indeed I
36could not sacrifice the whole human race." The conclusion of this speech convinced my father that my ideas were
37deranged, and he instantly changed the subject of our conversation and endeavoured to alter the course of my thoughts.
38He wished as much as possible to obliterate the memory of the scenes that had taken place in Ireland and never alluded
39to them or suffered me to speak of my misfortunes. As time passed away I became more calm; misery had her dwelling in my
40heart, but I no longer talked in the same incoherent manner of my own crimes; sufficient for me was the consciousness of
41them. By the utmost self-violence I curbed the imperious voice of wretchedness, which sometimes desired to declare
42itself to the whole world, and my manners were calmer and more composed than they had ever been since my journey to the
43sea of ice. A few days before we left Paris on our way to Switzerland, I received the following letter from Elizabeth:
44"My dear Friend, "It gave me the greatest pleasure to receive a letter from my uncle dated at Paris; you are no longer
45at a formidable distance, and I may hope to see you in less than a fortnight. My poor cousin, how much you must have
46suffered! I expect to see you looking even more ill than when you quitted Geneva. This winter has been passed most
47miserably, tortured as I have been by anxious suspense; yet I hope to see peace in your countenance and to find that
48your heart is not totally void of comfort and tranquillity. "Yet I fear that the same feelings now exist that made you
49so miserable a year ago, even perhaps augmented by time. I would not disturb you at this period, when so many
50misfortunes weigh upon you, but a conversation that I had with my uncle previous to his departure renders some
51explanation necessary before we meet. Explanation! You may possibly say, What can Elizabeth have to explain? If you
52really say this, my questions are answered and all my doubts satisfied. But you are distant from me, and it is possible
53that you may dread and yet be pleased with this explanation; and in a probability of this being the case, I dare not any
54longer postpone writing what, during your absence, I have often wished to express to you but have never had the courage
55to begin. "You well know, Victor, that our union had been the favourite plan of your parents ever since our infancy. We
56were told this when young, and taught to look forward to it as an event that would certainly take place. We were
57affectionate playfellows during childhood, and, I believe, dear and valued friends to one another as we grew older. But
58as brother and sister often entertain a lively affection towards each other without desiring a more intimate union, may
59not such also be our case? Tell me, dearest Victor. Answer me, I conjure you by our mutual happiness, with simple
60truth--Do you not love another? "You have travelled; you have spent several years of your life at Ingolstadt; and I
61confess to you, my friend, that when I saw you last autumn so unhappy, flying to solitude from the society of every
62creature, I could not help supposing that you might regret our connection and believe yourself bound in honour to fulfil
63the wishes of your parents, although they opposed themselves to your inclinations. But this is false reasoning. I
64confess to you, my friend, that I love you and that in my airy dreams of futurity you have been my constant friend and
65companion. But it is your happiness I desire as well as my own when I declare to you that our marriage would render me
66eternally miserable unless it were the dictate of your own free choice. Even now I weep to think that, borne down as you
67are by the cruellest misfortunes, you may stifle, by the word honour, all hope of that love and happiness which would
68alone restore you to yourself. I, who have so disinterested an affection for you, may increase your miseries tenfold by
69being an obstacle to your wishes. Ah! Victor, be assured that your cousin and playmate has too sincere a love for you
70not to be made miserable by this supposition. Be happy, my friend; and if you obey me in this one request, remain
71satisfied that nothing on earth will have the power to interrupt my tranquillity.
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